I didn't give any stars as I only read the first five chapters of this book on Amazon. This is just my personal take on this story. The whole sample just cracked me up.All I can say is - wow. Just wow. If the first five chapters are this ridiculous, then I am fairly certain the rest is just as silly.Top Ten Ways to Tell if Your Date is a Serial Killer1. He hangs out in dark clubs, scoping out his next victim temporary lover.2. He bribes a waitress to spy for him - getting her to grill the group the intended victim potential temporary lover is with in order to find out stuff like names, relationship status, plans for the week, when she arrived, how long she is staying, blah, blah, blah. (This fucking waitress never shuts up. I guess I wouldn't either if some asshole was shoving benjies at me)3. He stalks follows pursues (oh hell, there's no nice way to say that) her through the club and arranges for a chance meeting" as she comes out of the loo.4. He talks creepily and in a delusional manner to himself about how:She is the one And...I swear it feels like she's looking right in my direction, singing to me. And thinking uber silly thoughts such as:Why is this American here with those blokes? Then immediately repeating the same exact thought out loud, "She sounds American. Do you know why she would be with them?"5. He appears out of nowhere to whisper eerily into her ear.6. He refuses to give his real name.7. He's evasive - he answers questions with questions and vagueness leading her to mistakenly believe he's mysterious instead of simply a weirdo jack-off serial killer.Dumbass Victim: Why are you so secretive?Asshole Serial Killer: For lack of a better answer, it's just how I am.He suggests they screw each other silly while she's in Australia.Dumbass Victim: Would I finally get to know your name?Asshole Serial Killer My life is complicated for reasons I won't discuss. When it comes to dating, I need it to be simple and undemanding. Disclosing my identity complicates things, so you wouldn't know my real name.Uh, yeah...like possibly identifying him as the lunatic who tried who tried to off you and serve your liver with a nice chianti and some fava beans! Duh!!! He then goes onto to muse: This girl is different than the others. If I don't handle her the right way, she'll run. Of this, I'm certain.Ummm...yes...because you're, you know, a serial killer! And what's he going to handle her with? Rubber gloves?8. Has an over inflated opinion of himself. After the victim potential booty call says no in no uncertain terms, Asshole Serial Killer totally invades her space and whispers:Serial Killer Asshole: I'm a very wealthy man. The three months we spend together would be the best of your life. You'd never be able to top what you'd experience with me. (And whys is that? Because you won't be alive long enough to top that experience)And...Serial Killer Asshole: If you say yes, you'd spend the next three months having the time of your life. ('nuff said)9. He talks in a monotone, flatly and robotic-like without any inflection or emotion whatsoever.10. He's a control freak:Asshole Serial Killer: Are you on birth control?Dumbass Victim: Of course.Asshole: Good. We'll still use condoms. (yeah, so the police can't trace his DNA) I'm more comfortable with two forms of birth control. I don't want you leaving here with my ankle-biter in your belly. (so classy, too)How to Become the Victim of a Serial Killer1. Put on airs. Use words Americans don't normally use such as toddy when you actually want a beer in Australia. And when you order that beer, be sure to act like a total douche. When asked by the bartender what you would like, say this:Dumbass Victim: I'd like something from a local brewery. I tend to favor lighter flavors.2. Be so involved with your appearance that you don't notice anything else going on around you:I sit up and fluff my long brown hair. I look terrible when it's flat and I'm sure it's lying against my head after my nap.3. Make sure you let everyone know how classy you are with inane yet quaint lines like these:The combination of mouth breathing, beer drinking, and lack of oral hygiene during our travels has skunked things up.She's giddier than a pig in shit.4. Agree to a date with a strange man who refuses to tell you his name or any other identifying information.5. Have a slutty best friend who constantly encourages you to go on said dates and to have sex with a strange man who won't tell you his name, and spouts off nuggets of wisdom such as:Slutty Besty: Well, that's fucked up. You're going out with a guy and don't know who he is? Who am I going to report to the police if you go missing because he's another good-looking serial killer? You know, Ted Bundy was terribly charming too.And after digging into the catered breakfast provided by Asshole Serial Killer:Slutty Besty: I'd love it if a guy did this for me. This is a guaranteed panty-dropper in my book!(she will be the first to get it just like Jamie Lee's slutty best friends in Halloween)6. Be easy. After sacrificially preparing yourself for your "date" admire yourself in the mirror:Dumbass Victim: I have never felt so alluring in all of my life-or so much like a ho-because I know why I'm going.7. Be desperate. When he tells you the name he gave earlier is fake, just disregard and don't respond:Asshole Serial Killer: Lachlan isn't my real name. You needed something to call me, so that's what I chose.Dumbass Victim: Oh8. Believe EVERYTHING Asshole Serial Killer tells you:Asshole Serial Killer: I won't feel like a stranger to you for long. You'll come to know me quickly. And it'll be the real me, even if you don't know my name.And...Asshole Serial Killer: You'll be surprised by how quickly our relationship will progress when there are no silly pretenses.Huh?
