The Heart Has Reasons

The Heart Has Reasons - Martine Marchand *I did make a couple of corrections to this review after having a "friend" of the writer point them out to me and cuz I can admit my mistakes.Non-Stop (and I do mean non-stop) WTFery from Beginning to EndIf you don't want to know about the sheer hilariousness, ridiculousness, and WTFery contained in this book, STOP READING NOW! If you do continue to read, be warned - you will need brain-bleach aka massive amounts of alcohol (my personal favorite is vodka), after this review.This book literally exhausted me. The number of eyerolls and outbursts of laughter just plum tuckered me out and my poor little fingers were cramping from the constant highlighting and commenting on my Kindle. I really wish I had the patience to delve into the dysfunctional relationship and mental issues of these two wild and crazy kids, but to be perfectly honest, I was way behind in writing this review, mostly because I didn't want to face thinking about this book anymore. I just wanted to get it over with and get this shit off my Kindle so I can find the next, hopefully better written book to borrow from Amazon Prime. Honestly, reading a book about the mating habits of sloths would've been more interesting. Suffice it to say, these two psychos completely and unreservedly deserved each other in the end. *sigh*And now...DUN DUN DUN...on to the WTFery:- Faux H kidnaps Stupid h for a shitload of money paid to him by a man who is in reality a serial killer who heroine shot two years before when he tried to murder her in her bed.- Faux H is a former Special Forces soldier who spent eight years in Afghanistan. How he avoided getting killed is beyond me in light of the fact that he is as stupid as a bag of dirt.- Faux H works for a security firm with some of his army buddies. Seeing as this is a security firm, I would think this type of business would have access to information not readily available to the public and ohhh...I don't know, access to the freakin' internet, which any dipshit off the street can get in a public library. Perhaps with this new (yeah, right) technology, they might like to check out people they don't know about, like ohhh...I don't know....maybe the woman who is claiming that two years earlier, she was the victim of an attempted murder which was ALL OVER THE DAMN NEWS .- The only reason given for faux H to take this job is that he was bored. No. Really. It's in the blurb. I shit. You. Not!- Serial killer tells faux H that Stupid h is his wife. Faux H accepts serial killer's story based only on a "family" portrait photoshopped to include serial killer, Stupid h, and 2 kids. No demand to see a marriage license or kids or anything else. Huh?- Faux H sneaks into Stupid h's house, drugs all the beverages in her refrigerator before she she gets home from work. - Faux H transports Stupid h across state lines from NC to CA thereby making it a federal crime.- Faux H points a loaded gun at Stupid h and threatens to kill her. And I don't mean he said, "Please don't run away or I might hurt you." He said, "I will shoot you dead if you try to get away." This guy was an asshat. - Faux H handcuffs and hobbles Stupid h every night AFTER forcing her to take sleeping pills.- Stupid h has several asthma attacks but faux H refuses to take her to the hospital even after one during which she literally turns blue.- Faux H threatens to whip Stupid h with his belt.- Faux H threatens to give sleeping pill rectally and actually pulls down Stupid h's pants and panties in preparation to do this. She understandably panics. - Faux H uses a ball gag to gag Stupid h because this, as we all know, is an awesome thing to do to an ASTHMATIC! WOO HOO! Lets hear it for our completely oblivious faux H! He IS the man!!!! (Okay, okay...perhaps you're one of those people who likes a side of asphyxiation with your romance. In that case, this story could be for you.)- Faux H forces Stupid h to sit in the bathroom while he showers. Understandably, she becomes aroused while he is disrobing because he is ripped (wouldn't you?). Along with the by now funky (and not in a good way) ski mask, I'm sure this made for very sexy times for all.- Faux H leers at Stupid h while she's in the shower naked. I never understood why she was so mad because isn't that what we all secretly want? Well, sure it is. To be gawked at sexually almost immediately after a threat to shoot her must have been an awesome aphrodisiac.- Faux H gropes Stupid h. (Are you seeing where this is going?)- Faux H kisses Stupid h against her wishes. Ummm...really, dude? You've just threatened to blow a FUCKING HOLE the size of Milwaukee through her chest!- Faux H flirts with Stupid h. No, really...he flirts! The sideways glances, the self-deprecating smile, the smooth pick up lines. Like they just met in a bar or at Putt-Putt for a blind date. Can we just stop and say...Ewww!- Faux H has a supermodel girlfriend who he mentally compares to heroine constantly, and creepily, GF always falls short. Ewww again. (Let me pause here and point out that faux H pretty much despises Stupid h for leaving her family and being a little gold-digging slut so his comparing her favorably to his GF is just strange.)- After Stupid h has sex with faux H (which she enjoys) to lull him into letting his guard down and she escapes, he has the nerve to be mad and hurt because he thought the sex meant something therefore she should not try to get away. Sheesh. Hormonal, much?- Faux hero was ACTUALLY thinking of letting her go but after she slept with him and tried to escape, he pouted and decided not to. Really? What are you? In junior high?Gonna stop right here and just say, if I were h, and had had a gun, I would have gut shot faux H right then and there and waltzed merrily out that door.- Faux H ACTUALLY delivers Stupid h to serial killer and LEAVES. Yes, I said leaves even though he almost gives himself an aneurysm thinking that "something" just doesn't seem right about the serial killer's story.- But never fear, faux H FINALLY turns around and arrives at the serial killer's mansion in the nick of time but still after the serial killer has beaten the living crap out of Stupid h and almost drowned her.- Faux H does not turn himself into authorities. Oh no sirree, Bob, he does not! Faux H leaves Stupid h with said serial killers icky, gross body at the mansion because, well, if he stuck around he would have to answer some very pointed questions and deservedly be arrested for kidnapping along with a myriad of other charges. Stupid h waits docilely for authorities, AND proceeds to lie to cover for him.- Faux H calls buddies to have them provide alibis when he is on the verge of being arrested.- We are given page upon page of a history lesson on Afghanistan and how it has affected present day Afghanistan, because, well you know, faux H was there for eight years and apparently had TONS of free time to study the sociology/anthropology of the Afghani people. I guess this was done when he wasn't shooting them?- We are taken through several pages of yoga instruction/foreplay (Yes, I said yoga), as the Stupid h shows faux H how to unwind after a stressful day of kidnapping and terrorizing drugged and helpless females. This is all done by candlelight, by the way, to add to the romantic atmosphere.- When faux H is finally arrested because he is too stupid to get rid of or even to scrub out the van in which he transported Stupid h, he lawyers up with the father of an old army buddy and even admits to him that yes, he did kidnap heroine. This was not a problem for the lawyer. At. All.- Stupid h actually feels insecure and sad when she finds out faux H is dating skinny supermodel GF with big, surgically enhanced boobs.- FBI agent (partner of she-must-be-a-lesbian-because-she-has-short-hair-and-wears-pants) who once seemed to be the only voice of reason and never (and rightly so), believed a damn word either Faux H or Stupid h uttered eventually gives them a free pass because, well, he's a romantic at heart and he remembers fondly the time his now wife, murdered wounded several of his men during a military operation in Latin America, but hey, she was hot, so it was ok. *(Changed murdered to wounded cuz friend of author pointed this out and after rereading I did find that no men were actually killed during the writing of this book though they were wounded which I'm sure they felt soooooo much better about.)- Author then piles it on by stereotyping the crap out of several ethnic/socio groups. State Trooper - Faux H threatens to shoot state trooper (in Texas or Alabama or Louisiana or one of those other redneck states. Does it really matter cuz they're all just a bunch of dumb hicks anyway who'd rather pick up a shotgun than talk things out. Ummm...And your point is?) who stops to inquire about what faux H is up to and apparently lacks any kind of instinct and so doesn't suspect a thing. Faux H makes sure Stupid h hears everything and she does, believing the entire time that Faux h is going to shoot the cop should she make a sound.(My heart just went pitter patter, didn't yours?) Faux H beats several almost-rapists so badly they had to go to the hospital where, of course, they run into a cop and tell all about the "masked ninja dude" who had the woman gagged and tied in the van. Also, the author brings gangbangers to life by using quaint gang/black colloquialisms throughout the almost-rape scene and it was sad and offensive and must be read to be believed. No! Wait! Don't torture yourself. Just take my word for it. While Stupid h is being questioned by FBI, she immediately stereotypes female agent as a lesbian bitch because she has short hair and is mean to her. Uh, yeah. *(I did strike out lesbian cuz Stupid h never actually uses that term but I did feel she inferred it basically just to make the agent lose her cool.) Stereotyped gay man who is Stupid h's friend and boss at a hair salon (Yes, I said hair salon. Can you believe it???), who also seemed to be a voice of reason, decides that faux H is ok because he gives h orgasms.*sigh*- Finally, no grovel. Oh, faux H works up some tears but Stupid h pretty much forgives him after punching him in the head a couple of times.When the story begins, Stupid h is trying to get rid of a former lover who is stalking her (are we seeing a pattern here). I'm left thinking maybe Stalker Guy wasn't the crazy one for some reason.